Monday, February 23, 2009

Sex and Suburbia, Boboswdn???

Sex and Suburbia, Boboswdn???
By Julie Stankowski

Do you have a black hole? An abyss? An enormous crevice? A deep, open and heavy thing? It’s usually made out of leather or fabric and hurts your shoulder so much you have to either make an appointment with a masseuse or with a chiropractor? A huge accessory for which, if you go upscale, your credit card will show a charge in excess of $1,500, maybe even $2,500 dollars?

Yes, I’m talking about a purse and I think we all have one or two (or a few hundred). And I think we should call Marc Jacobs and tell him that purses should have a size limit. For some reason, they don’t. And for some other stupid reason, we are always attracted to the biggest ones out there. It’s not a penis; it’s a purse. So, what’s the deal? The bigger the better? Definitely true for a man’s special package and for sparkly diamonds, but for purses? What is wrong with us, Ladies? Why do we have to walk around carrying a purse that would not even make the airline’s weight limit for checked bags and would end up costing us $614 in extra fees? Can we not get out of our minds, “Go big or go home?”

And I wonder why insurance companies haven’t tried to regulate the purse industry? Its claims for “pocketbook injuries” must be through the roof. I mean, heavy purses can cause shoulder pain, back pain, side pain, leg pain and who knows what other kind of pain (pain in the ass?). And these three-ton shoulder boulders can also cause stress-related injuries because even though we have everything we need in our purses, we can never find anything! It’s ridiculous. An oversized and overstuffed purse may be responsible for many more insurance claims than a reckless teenage driver. Let’s face it, purse overload is an epidemic.

So, what’s in our so-called purses anyway? But before we even get to that, why in the world is it called a “purse?” Don’t you think there are other names that would more adequately describe what we carry on our little shoulders? Potato sack of junk, perhaps? Or, Godzilla the leather accessory? Or, a “Boboswdn,” (pronounced Bob-O-Sweden), and standing for Big-Obnoxious-Bag-Of-Stuff-We-Don’t-Need. Yes, I think that description is much more appropriate.

Okay, so what’s in your Boboswdn? We all know that a Boboswdn is really just a magnet for all things unnecessary. Afraid if you reveal the contents it will give too much personal information about you? Well, I’m a risk taker and I have a blog, so I feel compelled to reveal the embarrassing things I found today while cleaning out my Boboswdn.

First, of course, I found three different sized tampons. Fair enough. None of us wants to be unprepared when we get a visit from our monthly friend (assuming we are still receiving such visits). In high school, my friends and I used to call it “Cathy.” We would say, “Ohhh, I saw Cathy today.” That was because of the famous Cathy Rigby commercials for maxi pads and in the olden days of our youth, girls did not talk about getting their periods around boys. It was a taboo subject. We were so geeky! Anyway, back from my tangent. What else was in my Boboswdn? 9 lollipops. 7 Mac lipsticks and 3 liners. About a dozen ATM receipts. A plastic Spiderman Motorcycle toy. Some crayons. 3 half-eaten boxes of animal crackers. Multiple business cards, including those from my doctors and dentist with my next year’s appointment schedules. 3 of my almost 8-year-old daughter’s necklaces and one of her bracelets.

Uh, several dry cleaning receipts, Costco receipts, Target and supermarket receipts, restaurant receipts and the kids’ gym class receipt. Tickets to my daughter’s Chanukah performance (which was obviously in December). Dental floss. Hair clips. A compact make-up mirror. 8 pens and 1 pencil. Anti-bacterial cleanser. A grocery list, a hardware list and a list of paint colors I wanted to try for my guest room. A slinky. 5 hard copies of different draft blog posts. The direction packet to my dog’s training collar. A bottle of my anti-anxiety medication (I know you never would have guessed I had something like that in my Boboswdn!). Bed, Bath & Beyond coupons, which are humongous by the way. A little baggy filled with all of my gift cards, if I ever get a chance to go shopping, which I’m thinking I should before all of the stores go out of business. My Nailtique that I take with me when I get mani/pedis to keep my nails strong. 4 empty packs of gum and about 15 loose, wandering pieces covered in crumbs or whatever it is that gathers at the bottom of my Boboswdn. My doggie’s new ear medicine for her continuing ear infection and the receipt therefor. And of course, my wallet, checkbook and business cards. Okay, that was an exhausting list! Oh, and a Wall-E Leapster game I’ve been meaning to return since Christmas (my son got a duplicate).

Well, come on, I really needed most of the stuff in my extra-heavy bag! Didn’t I? How bad can I be? When I was 16, I used to carry a hair dryer in my purse in case my hair frizzed! No joke! At least I don’t do that anymore. But the fact is, my aging shoulder (and mind) simply cannot handle the weight anymore. I need to be able to find my wallet without embarrassing myself digging and I need to be able to throw a ball with my kids. I should leave the gift cards in my glove compartment with the Bed, Bath & Beyond coupons and a bunch of other stuff. I should have 1 emergency tampon, that’s it. Every receipt needs to be thrown away or filed. The slinky needs to go back into the toy box. 1 or 2 lipsticks should be enough. Okay, I’m proving a point to myself. Clean your frickin’ purse out, Julie. Okay, I did.

And I went into my closet and found one of the smallest bags I have and that is what I will be using for now. No more Boboswdn’s. And when I have something in between my teeth and my dental floss isn’t in my tiny purse, I guess I will wing it and pull out my dentist’s business card and use the corner of it to get any spinach out of my teeth. It’s better than breaking my arm. Then I will put on one of my two lipsticks I’ll be carrying so I look pretty. Then I’ll let my husband know that I have switched pocketbooks, that there is a lot less weight resting on my hands, arm and shoulder and that I have enough strength to hold up that 10 carat diamond bracelet he’s always wanted to buy me. Then, I will refer to my purse, not as a Boboswdn, but as a Tiny-Little-Handbag-Freeing-Up-My-Shoulder-To-Carry-Extra-Carat-Weight-On-My-Wrist-Wallet-Holder. And I will call Marc Jacobs and tell him how many women will flock to his new purse collection as long as his bags are small enough and light enough for women to have the strength to hold up more jewelry on their fingers and their wrists!

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