Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Sex and Suburbia, Real Housewives, Take II

Sex and Suburbia, Real Housewives, Take II
By Julie Stankowski

I am a sick, sick person. I am addicted to the Real Housewives. Seriously, like a heroin addict. I can’t get enough of it. I’m bummed when it’s over and I can’t wait until next Tuesday. Remember when Happy Days and Laverne & Shirley were the shows we just had to be home to see every week. Those were the good old days. Now, I run to watch a group of self-centered, snobby, judgmental women and for some reason, I just can’t get enough. What’s wrong with me? Why do I find them so entertaining and fascinating?

Well, for one, I think everyone enjoys being a voyeur once in a while. That’s how I feel when I am watching the show, like I am a peeping tom looking in on people’s lives through a hole in a wall or something. But the fact is, I’m not. I am watching what they want me to.

I think I just like to watch how other people live. And I’m not alone. Don’t you ever wonder what goes on behind your neighbors’ doors? I know you do. I know this because of the success and popularity of things like People Magazine,, the Star, the Enquirer, TMZ and all kinds of stupid reality shows like the Real Housewives. Just last year, the daily life of Brittany Spears was the lead story for months on all of the major networks. Apparently, we were more interested in seeing Brittany’s Hanky Pankys (or lack thereof) than hearing about our dwindling economy. Let’s face it. We are all intrigued by the behind-the-scenes lives of others. Why do we find it so fascinating to know how (excuse my language) fucked up other people are?

Well, duhhhh, it makes us feel better about ourselves and our own lives. I mean the fact that we have a glass of wine and a Xanax once in a while (okay, maybe a lot) is nothing compared to the people we see on Celebrity Rehab and now the Sober House. We’re normal; they’re fucked up. The fact that we are so self-indulgent that we want a facial, a mani/pedi and a spray-on tan every now and then is nothing compared to the Real Housewives’ spa weekends, plastic surgery parties and over-the-top spending sprees. And don’t forget how intrigued we were by Monica Lewinsky’s stained dress. Jesus Christ, the then President of the United States was getting it on with an intern inside the Oval Office. That means we can feel totally great about ourselves for having a laundry-room quickie with our own husbands even though our kids are just a few feet away playing the Wii and eating the 10 pounds of candy we bribed them with to give us just 15 minutes of privacy. At least we are not cheating on our spouse in front of the whole world with a person half our age! Take that!

So, I must admit. After watching two episodes of the housewives last night (bonus, got to see Orange County and New York both in one evening!), I am feeling particularly normal today. I just wonder whether I will be suffering from serious withdrawal symptoms between now and next Tuesday. Well, I can watch Top Chef, American Idol, Sober House and Survivor in the meantime. Hopefully, those shows will tide me over until I can get my next fix of the housewives. I can’t wait to see the Orange County reunion show. Do you think that someone will finally ask Jeanna how long it has really been since she has had sex? Or will anybody finally confront Vicki about her ridiculous need to be the center of attention and her extreme jealousy of all those who may take that attention away from her? Will anyone have the balls to tell Tamara that she is a back-stabbing bitch?

Well, I will definitely tune in to see what happens. I’m just scared that someone (Vicki) may take a push pin or something and poke a little hole in Lynn’s boobies and they will deflate like a popped balloon in front of the whole world! OMG, so much to look forward to!

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